Fudge Bars
Last Game Result: Mar 25 2012
| Team | 1 | 2 | 3 | F | ||
| Crackheads | 3 | 2 | 0 | 5 | ||
| Fudge Bars « | 2 | 5 | 0 | 7 | ||
| Play-By-Play | Boxscore | ||||||
Goal Scorers: Andy Parks (07:15 in 1st), Chad Parks (16:10 in 1st), Matt Hanneke (03:00 in 2nd), Chad Parks (12:00 in 2nd), Pat Sommer (14:45 in 2nd), Chad Parks (19:30 in 2nd), Andy Parks (21:10 in 2nd)
Goaltender: Joe Kennedy (W)
| Coming Up |
|---|
| Nothing Scheduled |
Regular Season Leaders
| Points | Pat Sommer | 17 |
| Goals | Chad Parks | 12 |
| Assists | Pat Sommer | 11 |
| PIM | Chad Parks | 2 |
| SO | Joe Kennedy | 0 |
| Wins | Joe Kennedy | 2 |
| GAA | Joe Kennedy | 7.50 |
Fudge Bars score more in one game than all last session
Posted by: Pat Sommer on Thu Mar 15th 2012 2:19am
The Fudge Bars won their first game of the season, beating the Assassins 12-9. Sources claim both teams did have a goalie or at least a man dressed in goaltender gear standing in the general vicinity of the goal.
"Wait, that was a goalie?" asked team puck hog Pat Sommer. "I was making fun of him for wearing shoulder pads to a roller hockey game. I thought he was a defenseman who was really bad at shot blocking."
Fudge Bar goaltender Joe Kennedy, who allowed 9 goals on 9 hours of sleep, forgot his notepad, so the stats are slightly more accurate than MOIHA. The Parks brothers combined for most of the scoring. They scored roughly 5/6ths of the goals, making them the greatest fraternal combination to play in St. Louis since Gino and Paul Cavalini.
Some dude in a green jersey scored all 9 goals for the Assassins. He still lost the Bud Light Player of the Game award to Vladdy Sobotka, who won 4 faceoffs, had 2 hits and played with a lot of gumption.
KENNEDY STARTS KEEPING STATS
The Bars were relegated from Men's Steel League to the Southeast Division after a really crappy season. With the lowered competition, Joe Kennedy decided to keep stats now that the Bars won't suck anymore. Thankfully, he forgot his notepad, or he'd still be writing down goals.
QUALITY OF OFFICIATING AT QUEENY ON THE RISE
The refs at Queeny Park are better than ever, and not just because they didn't sustain chronic back pain from fishing the puck out of the net.
Last week, some douche wearing white gloves celebrated multiple goals with double windmill fistpumps. He was checked by Sommer. After complaining to the ref, the ref said, "You shouldn't have celebrated like a douche."
This week, Matt "Junkyard Dog" Hanneke batted the puck out of mid air to Steve Strohmeyer, who juggled the puck in his hands for 3 minutes before dropping it to his stick. Despite being a perfectly legal hand pass in the Bars defensive zone, the ref blew the whistle, saying, "Uh, you just can't do whatever that was."
"I'm just glad the referees stopped texting long enough to tell us why they made their call," said Kennedy.
Lack Of Skaters Sinks Bars In Season Opener Against Thunderchickens
Posted by: Joe Kennedy on Mon Aug 08th 2011 8:53pm
The Fudge Bars open their new season against a familiar foe, playing the Thunderchickens for the 8,435th time in their storied history.
"At least that what [Joe] Kennedy said. He'd have the records," Pat Sommer said after the game.
Pat was one of only four Fudge Bars available for comment after Sunday's 5-0 loss to the Thunderchickens, mainly because there were only four Fudge Bars that showed up for yesterday's 5-0 loss.
"It was really rough today," said defenseman Pat Prindable, but he added that "it could have been a lot worse."
Prindable blocked a shot in the second half that kept the game in reach at 3-0 midway through the second, but goaltender Joe Kennedy questioned Pringle's motive to block the shot.
"Well let's be honest," Joe said at the postgame press conference at McDonalds. "Everyone thinks it's a selfless play to block a shot but he was just tired of skating. I could have stopped that shot. He just wanted to stop skating. I'm honestly surprised he didn't take a nap once he was down there."
Kennedy stopped 74 of 79 shots, and the team only trailed 2-0 after the first half, but a goal 40 seconds into the second half set the tone for the rest of the game.
After the game was over, nobody took their pads off in the locker room immediately.
"The reason was two-fold," said defenseman Matt Hanneke. "For one thing, we were dead tired. Nobody wanted to move, and when you add the fact that it's so hot out there to the fact that we had such a short bench, it was like playing in a furnace out there."
The other reason?
"We were waiting for Kennedy to come into the locker room to make sure he was calm. We didn't want to take our helmets off just to get hit in the head from a thrown stick or blocker."
"Yeah we needed to protect ourselves," started Sommer, "but I was just glad he wasn't still wearing that oversized blocker he used to have. I know Joe just bought a new condo, but I don't know if he'll have room for it at his new place. I'm hoping we've seen the last of that thing. We don't need teams to challenge the legality of his equipment."
"Especially if the bench is as short this season as it was today."
Game Notes:
The Fudge Bars are still looking to recruit players for the current season. Through free agency, the team has landed star forward Andy Parks, but with the departure of Steve Jones and Danny Sommer, the team has at least one more void to fill.
Nick Leinauer missed the game because he was in Las Vegas and was apparently the only winner on Sunday. Nick knew the team was going to have a short bench, took advantage of the inside information, and bet on the Thunderchickens, winning $1080. Nick will be expected to use his winnings to pay the league fee in full on Sunday.
Bars score team record 16 goals
Posted by: Pat Sommer on Sun Jun 05th 2011 7:17pm
Queeny Park, Mo. - The Fudge Bars ran their record to 5-0 on the session by scoring a team record 16 goals.
"Actually, I completely guessed at 16 goals being a franchise record," said team puck hog Pat Sommer. "I haven't asked Joe, but that's just way too many goals."
Steve Jones scored 5 goals and Tim Smith scored a career high 4 goals. The game was stopped for 10 minutes as Fudge Bar fans threw hats onto the ice after his third goal. Well, actually, just Danny Sommer threw his helmet onto the rink. Ordinarily, the Bars would have stopped trying after building up a huge lead, but Vogt whined like a three-year-old being told no in a Kmart.
"They whined about the refs, they whined about us, they whined about the other team," said Sommer. "It was really annoying."
Sommer took out his frustration by continuing to shoot in the last minute of the game, and destroying some dude who thought it was acceptable to wear a wife beater as a jersey.
"You have to admit, that was awesome," Danny Sommer told the referees as his brother skated to the box. Wifebeater guy had already broken sticks and was running around hitting people before his near decapitation.
"This is going to get ugly!" said some douchebag on the other team. But the game was already ugly as the Bars only added to their 11 goal lead.
Team notes
- Steve Jones played the entire game looking like a deformed giraffe because he attached a GoPro camera to the top of his helmet to record the game. Jones is expected to post highlights later this week.
- Hell is reportedly close to freezing over as team puck hog Pat Sommer has more assists than goals at the midway point of the season.
Fudge Bars spend $100 million like P. Diddy
Posted by: Pat Sommer on Sun May 22nd 2011 9:26pm
Queeny Park, Mo. - The Fudge Bars extended their unbeaten streak to 4 games with a 7-6 victory over $100 million.
"Dangle, dangle, snipe, snipe," sang Joe Kennedy to the tune of Ren and Stimpy's 'Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy.' " I think that sums up this game."
The Bars jumped out to a 5-0 lead in the first half. Pat Sommer scored a hat trick, and Timmy Smith scored 2 goals, including one that ricocheted off his ass.
"I clenched so it would deflect at the right angle and go top corner," said Smith. "I was afraid the puck was going to break."
Smith also scored on a magical move utilizing his mad indoor soccer skills to kick the puck to his stick and score a break away goal.
$100 million would not lie down. Some dude showed up at halftime, and the team went on a rampage. Steve Jones put the Bars up 6-1, but the lead would vanish quicker than a St. Louis Blues 5 goal lead in the third period. After $100 million pulled to within 1, Pat Sommer gave the Bars breathing room with a quick goal to make it 7-5. But the Bars decided to let $100 million score again before finally holding off the mad skrilla.
"Well, $100 million is probably about 100 times better than a team named $1 million dollars, but we can destroy both," said goaltender Joe Kennedy.
Team Notes
-The Bars are off next week for the All-Star Break, and the undefeated Fudge Bars are expected to send multiple players.
"I think fan favorite Tim Smith will make it," said defenseman Danny Sommer as he stuffed 10,000 ballots with "Timmy!!!" written on them.
-The Bars won despite a shortened bench. Nick Leinauer (Upper Body Injury, Shot through the Heart at the Bon Jovi concert), Matt Owens (Lower body injury, broken skates, and Pat Prindable (upper body injury, doing something more productive than playing hockey) are all expected to be back next week.
Fudge Bars slay Beaversharks
Posted by: Pat Sommer on Mon May 16th 2011 4:31pm
Queeny Park, Mo. - The Fudge Bars extended their unbeaten streak to 3-0 on the session with a 9-4 win over the Beaversharks.
"I'd like to say this was an impressive victory, but the Beaversharks really suck," said defenseman Nick Leinauer. "Have they ever beat us? Ask Joe. I think he keeps track on that notebook he keeps in the water bottle holder."
Danny Sommer got the scoring started with a breakaway off a pass from Pat Sommer. Pat would assist on both of his brother's goals.
"Remember how Brad Boyes would pile up assists without doing any real work and passing the puck to Alex Pietrangelo?" Sommer asked. "That's kind of what I do when I pass the puck to Danny."
Steve Jones scored a hat trick off Beavershark goaltender Antii Niemi, and Matt Owens capped off the scoring with the team's 9th goal. Matt Hanneke had a beautiful slow motion spin-o-rama backhander early in the game.
"I've been trying to do Hanneke's move in practice all year," said Detroit Red Wings forward Pavel Datsyuk. "I even put Osgood in goal, and I still couldn't pull it off."
The Bars improved to 3-0 on the season. It's unknown whether or not there are other unbeaten teams in the league because the Queeny Park website hasn't updated the standings from last session. But it's likely the Bars are the only undefeated team in the league because the other teams are genuinely pathetic.
Team notes
- Pat Prindable won the "Nick Leinauer Short Joke of the Day" contest when Leinauer found a junior stick on the bench, and Pringle suggested it had to be his since he was the shortest guy on the team. "I'm very proud someone continues my tradition even when I'm not there," said Fudge Bar Head Coach Brian Logush.
- Tim Smith broke his long time stick that dates back to his playing days on the Goombas. Visitation will be from 2 to 4 p.m. this Friday at Matt Hanneke's compound, followed by a ceremonial burial by Matt's Bobcat. The Bars will honor the stick with a moment of silence before the next game.
